Archives July 2024

My inner critic is strong today. This post probably won’t—definitely won’t—be what I would like it to be, but I’ve got to write to overcome this paralysis.

This week has gone by in a blink.

I was able to write another three thousand words to a story I’m writing. I find that it’s the in-between (the details between dialogue, pivotal moments, etc.) that are the most critical challenge at the moment. I find I wish I was just the reader, and the description would magically appear on the page. And then the next thought I have is how glad I am that I am the writer and I get to be the one to paint the scene for others.

I was out running errands today and felt tightness in my calves. That feeling reminded me of all the physical things I was able to do this week. I cleared out a few cabinets in my kitchen to downsize and donate items. I lifted and cleared out moving boxes while I organized my new work space. I kicked and actively swam in a gorgeous AirB&B pool with friends on one of the most beautiful sunny days this month.

Self care is still a relatively new thing for me, but I have to acknowledge that this week felt like a good balance. I saw friends, paid bills, went to an annual medical screening before heading to work. I feel very fortunate for to have all I have, including all the people in my life.

My critic feels less oppressive at the moment, so I will go write a few thousand more words to my stories. 

August will arrive on Thursday.

I’ve never done a Gratitude Journal or any sort of formal reflection of the good things going on in my life. A book I’ve read this week mentioned that daily gratitude can change your overall thinking or feeling about life. So reflecting on the week past, here are the things I am grateful for.

Nephews

I’m grateful for my nephews. I’m grateful I got to celebrate two of my nephew’s birthdays this month. Though they are both young men and live far away I was happy to celebrate them on their day and to share what they mean to me.

I’m grateful I had my brother’s boys this week, while their mom was out of town and their dad had early-morning jobs. I’m grateful for the early morning commute each day as I drove them to their summer activities. I’m grateful I get to experience the joy I feel when they are present in my home.

Home

I’m grateful I have a home of my own, filled with things that bring me happiness.

Job

I’m grateful I have a job that allows me to pay my monthly bills. I’m grateful to have mentally challenging, sometimes physically exhausting days. I’m grateful for my co-workers, especially the building custodians this week, for their dedication and hard work.

Family

I’m grateful for each member of my family. The more the years pass, the more love and feelings of friendship I have for them. I’m grateful I live near a majority of my family, and that I can still interact with those who live farther via social media.

Random Gratitude

I’m grateful for the rain; for the immediate peace that petrichor brings me, and the sweet recollections of childhood when I hear the rumble of summer thunder.

I’m grateful for locally owned bookstores and self-help books.

I’m grateful I was able to reset my AirPods charging station so I can use them as I work around my house.

I’m grateful for water, to float and flow with, to kick and swim against, to quench thirst and sustain life. 

I’m grateful for friends who love me and accept me even when I go quiet.

I’m grateful for me; for the person I am and the one I am trying to become.

Grief fills the room up of my absent child, 
Lies in his bed, walks up and down with me, 
Puts on his pretty looks, repeats his words, 
Remembers me of all his gracious parts, 
Stuffs out his vacant garments with his form; 
Then, have I reason to be fond of grief?

William Shakespeare, King John, Act III, Scene 4

So I thought I was doing a good job of coping with life. I thought I looked fine on the outside. I knew I wasn’t doing well, but I thought that using all the tools I’ve learned in my years of therapy would at least give my close family and friends peace of mind. Yes, I’ve bought myself a couple of therapy sessions this summer to get a handle on my mental health game, and I’m glad I did, because I super needed my latest session.

When I went into my therapist’s office earlier this week evidently I was giving out an “on edge” energy, which I was unaware of. After updating my work from a previous session he asked what was going on.

I’m sad

I’m sad and I’ve been sad for so long. No matter what I do for self care, (diet, exercise, adequate sleep, meaningful social connections, etc.) I can’t shake it. I’ve felt this for months and months, and none of the sadness is going away.

Here’s the gist: sad is not exactly how to categorize what I am feeling. I’m grieving. I need something that will help me process my grief, rather than holding it inside me.

I’m someone that needs a plan. My therapist knows this about me, and did a wonderful job helping me find a tool/procedure that might help. It has concrete steps to hang on to, so that I have something to work toward, measure, and reflect on.

The Plan

Make a list of all that I have lost. Not just the physical presence of my dad. There are other personal losses, but there are also global losses that all who are alive and alert may also be grieving (ie, The Age of Innocence, Age of Morality, Age of Lawfulness). After making the list choose an item from the list and meditate on it. Experience it; not just think it. Feel it. Continue the process regularly.

I made my list Tuesday night in a room I rarely use in my house. The next night I meditated on one of those losses, in that space, for no longer than thirty minutes. Yes, I did set a timer on my phone.

So far the work is exhausting. In that room Wednesday night, I sobbed and rocked for thirty minutes straight, I was so overwhelmed by my grief. By the time my thirty minute meditation was over I felt drained. Utterly empty.

The thing is, what I processed on Wednesday night wasn’t even on my list of losses. But as I looked at my lists, to see what loss would be the focus that night I felt a visceral need to write one more down.

My body knew.

My heart knew.

I never knew until I opened the possibility for grief to come in and tell me more.

Loud noises are startling. Loud arhythmic repetitive explosions brings my hyper-vigilance to the forefront of all my thinking and actions. So it really helps to have something to focus on when the rockets red glare and bombs bursting in air happen on the nightly throughout the entire month of July. 

Today my afternoon was spent in building question tables as I created a character background template for a story I want to write. I used my stage background to begin forming questions, but I also added some I want to know from my work in therapy. For me, creating characters is part of the joy playing pretend. It’s all about making decisions, and agreeing to the real consequences of those decisions, and how they shape that character’s—for lack of a better word—character.

So far I have an adequate background for my two main characters and a ghostly sketch of the third. As the sun begins to set and the explosives begin their patriotic serenade I’m glad I have several other characters waiting to tell me who they are, and how they fit into the world I’m creating. I’m excited to have more questions for each of them, and can’t wait to see what their answers will be.